Notes When I Was Down and Brokenhearted

MARICAR:

Something I’ve learned from my mistakes/low points —where I decide to place my identity.

1. If I place it in the way I look — I’d get insecure when someone more beautiful comes along.

 

2. When I put my identity in good work/perfection —one harsh criticism (even if it’s true), and I’m depressed.

3. When my identity is in my good reputation —an attack on that, true or not, makes me want to hide in my room forever.

 

4. If I place it in the people I love —one bad fight with them can make me feel that nothing else in my life is good anymore.

5. Finally, when my identity is my inner “niceness/mabait akong tao” —I feel heavy guilt whenever I emotionally “explode.” (di magsasalita, mapupuno, sasabog)

 

My mentors had to give me tools to help me get out of this downward spiral.

When I’m down and it’s starting to feel unhealthy (I can’t work well, affects my relationships, getting depressed etc.), I need to ask — “Where am I placing my identity today?”

In the past, when I’d see a terrible-but-true comment on social media, I’d get depressed and want to hide. I had placed my identity in a good reputation (No.3—I want people to say nice things about me always).

For some reason, it helps to just be AWARE of what I’m allowing to define my identity/self-worth at that time. (It’s usually one of the 5 that I’ve listed above. ;p)

I CHOSE to put too much value in reputation. Knowing this takes power away from the terrible comment, and places power back into my own hands. There is hope for change! I now have more power over my situation.

via GIPHY

This power gives me more control and responsibility over my feelings. I can start the work of shifting my identity away from reputation towards something more pure, permanent and good.

Today, “terrible-but-true” comments still hurt, but not as much. I want to be defined by something more wonderful than hurtful words —and I’ll work hard for that! Because it’s my choice. My responsibility. My emotions. My power.

It’s your power too, you know. 🙂